But first, a word from some hip-hop femcees:
"And you? I ain't mad you a ho. I'm mad you trying to teach my babies how to be a ho. When I ain't home. Taking that video to the dome. While you trying to clone bitches. I'm trying to raise queens…” – Medusa, rapping in Rachel Raimist's film Nobody Know My Name
"What's going on in ya mind, is what I ask ya… But like Yo-Yo, ya don't hear me though…" Queen Latifah, "UNITY"
"And dudes quick to take these groupies to bed. Betta watch out for they write a book about ya like Superhead…" Lil' Kim, "Slippin"
Yes, if we're honest, we can all point to instances where we may not have made the smartest decisions about men. Every girl has her stories. (Or has a stupid girlfriend who never ever seems to learn that self-respect is worth more than having a man between the sheets.) We could probably swap all kinds of stories about being young and dumb. But most of us know better than to put our stupidity on blast. Not so for Karrine "Superhead" Steffans and Carmen Bryan… By now I'm sure you've all heard of Karrine Steffans's book, Confessions of a Video Vixen. It was the hot tell-all book a couple of summers ago in which a former video girl names all the names of all the rappers and basketball stars she's slept with. Now we have Carmen Bryan's book, It's No Secret: From Jay Z to Nas, From Seduction to Scandal--A Hip-Hop Helen of Troy Tells All. In it, she tells all about her love affairs with famous rappers and basketball players. Are ya sensing a trend here…
Now I write erotic romance, so these women's sexual exploits really don't bother me. I'm all for sexual freedom, especially for women since we've been told for so long that boys can and we can't. And, if their books were just about a sista getting her swerve on, that might be different. But the phrase "sucker for love" comes to mind… The claims of love abound in these so-called cautionary tales. These women claimed to love each and every guy that used them and abused them. All of them... For real... Love… In theory, I get it... As much as our community is concerned about little black boys, little black girls are going through some stuff too. I won't go into statistics here. Because we all know that the rising prison rates and HIV/AIDS rates for women of color are kicking our behinds. And as I think of Karrine and Carmen, I can't help but think that we need to do something to help little black girls find the love in themselves so that they don't fall victim to all the bullshit. 
As much as Karrine and Carmen paint their stories as cautionary tales, they don't work that way. Let's be real, if you give these books to a young sister thinking you are providing her with a cautionary tale, you will be making a grave mistake. Karrine's book could aptly be re-titled, "How to be a Video-Ho." The critical self-reflection that is a requirement for caution is not present in her book. And Carmen's book could be a connecting book to "How to Sex a Baller Out of His Mind and Money," if they were written by the same author… and if Carmen would have had to have been a little bit more successful at what she tried to do... Come to think of it, would be a kind of crappy how-to book for the way she constantly gets played. (And on a side-note, but totally in theme with my biggest gripe this month, guess which magazine is doing a feature on Carmen Bryan in their new issue… just guess… that's right Essence… anyway…) Neither of these women seemed to have learned anything. They are just recounting their stupid repetitive mistakes. And they are irritating for that reason… (The same reason that the character Robin in Waiting to Exhale got on everyone's nerves until she got some self-respect and a backbone. But at least Robin had a career and a life outside of her quest for a man…)
To hear Superhead tell it, she loved every single guy she screwed. It was like a mantra, "I rea—lly lo-ved Gotti, Ja-Rule… fill-in the blank." Carmen would have us believe that she re-ally lo-ved Jay Z and Nas and Allen Iverson. I posit that these women don't know what love is. And that is really sad. Carmen claims that the whole battle between Nas and Jay Z was because of her. That Jay Z made the diss song "Is That Your Chick" because she accepted Nas's proposal and he was hurt. (But those of us that listen to rap know what Jigga sounds like on wax when his feelings are hurt over a woman. See "Song Cry" and the recent verse in "Lost One" in which he mourns the fact that Beyonce is choosing her career over their relationship. None of these are the scathing and misogynist lyrics we find in "Is That Your Chick." But, I digress…) The point is the men she claims loved her so much that they went to war on wax have both moved on and she is left telling a story that is all too familiar.
So at the end of the day, what do I really think about the "Kiss and Tell" frenzy that we seem to be moving in? I really think that these books tell us things that go far beyond the gossip and the sex. They tell us a lot about the traps waiting for our little sisters and baby girls if we don't start showing them and teaching them what love really is. What do you think? Until next time...
Much love and peace,
Gwyneth
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Kiss and Tell
Posted by Gwyneth Bolton at 12:46 AM
Labels: Commentary, Popular Culture
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
God, I hear that, Gwen. I am soooo scared for when my 4 year old grows up. What will I say, what will I do, will it be enough? Parenting is never easy, but parenting little girls is very scary.
I know, Kari. I think that we often pay so much attention to little boys that little girls get lost in the shuffle. It's gotta change or we will lose more than we know.
Being a former trained nanny, I tend to analyze such things. I see two reasons behind this.
1) Girls and young women have not had real love sufficiently defined for them. A real man shows his love in how much he's willing to sacrifice of himself to care for his woman. Sex is an expression of that love - it's not the love itself.
2) Mothers and fathers have not sufficiently communicated their love for their daughters, thus building up the strength of their self-esteem. They have a lot competing with their demonstration of love too. Careers. Daughters schedules too full of everything but time at home with their families. Etc...
This is not a race-specific problem. I see it everywhere. The trouble is mothers not knowing these two things themselves and mating with men who won't give a blam about the resulting offspring. Thus, the curse is handed down from generation to generation. But, the curse can be broken.
One way is for us to involve ourselves in young women's lives somehow. Mentor a young writer. Listen to the girl on the bus talk about her problems. Just listening and making eye contact can mean the world! It reaffirms a person's value as a human being.
The other way we have little control over, but can help. It's how I broke my family curse. I watched my mother getting crapped on my whole life and decided as a young girl that I would rather die a virgin than go through the same thing. (Happily married over a decade now.) I was blessed to have other adults serve as examples of what healthy relationships are like and to offer encouragement too. They took the time to pay attention to me.
One heart and one mind at a time.
Kimber An, I agree with you. This is not only a race specific problem. When we live in a society that doesn't value girls as much as they do boys it couldn't be only a race specific problem. Women and girls of all races suffer from the effects of sexism and misogyny. However, to ignore the ways in which the intersections of race, class and gender make this problem more likely than not in the lives of young women of color is problematic. The statistics show us how these things combine to impact the lives of women of color in sometimes different ways. Race matters in this and ignoring that won't help us fight the fact that as of right now the highest growing rates for people affected with HIV/AIDS are women of color, more specifically Black women. It's all connected.
I think that your suggestions about what we can do about it is right on point though. We do need to find ways to mentor young women and girls and give them the tools to break the patterns and cycles of oppression in their lives. This is important--probably one of the most important things we can do today.
Those statistics are scary, Gwyneth. Maybe if people learned more about the reasons behind the statistics, something more can be done. I can give general ideas across racial boundaries, but I'm naive about any race-specific reasons.
I think your ideas are great and would work. I just think that when we think about things like causes and the fact that some things become more likely for women just because of their class or their race. And we need to pay attention to that too. I appreciate the things you suggest we all should be doing. Because at the end of the day lives are at stake. And we need to do whatever we can across barriers of race, class and gender to combat that. So thank you Kimber An, for offering these suggestions.
Love your post, Gwen. I was wondering the same thing.
What's sad to me is that these ho's ain't playin' and having fun, they're just getting played.
Old story, nothing new. Men will pay for it.
I know, Monica. It is so sad and so true. I don't know what's worse... that they were played by those men or that they seem clueless about it... Umm... Well, at least they are making a little change by playing themselves even more. I hope they save well. There is really only so much milage they can hope to get out of it. Better get a skill besides... well... ya know...
WoW Gwyneth -
that is exactly why I mentor girls, they need us, many are getting educated, but making unbelievable man choices, it seems all he has to be is attractive and he's in. Either they are trying to date the guy with a few bucks, who can choose from all the girls, are they are wrapped around some self-proclaimed bad boy with no prospects, just a big...well you follow my drift. It's past time to teach them to value themselves and that being alone until you can hook up with someone who values you is not the worse thing that can happen, whew...
angelia
Angelia,
I am so glad that you are reaching out and doing this work. We need sisters with your dedication and your fire working with these girls! Thank you! I really think that the negative images they are bombarded with have a lot of them really believing that their worth is so much less than they really are. We need to show them how wrong that is!
Gwyneth
Post a Comment